BANANA ON A SUBWAY

"What's up, boss?"

"Well, today you gotta wear this banana suit and sing Happy Birthday. The guy lives in Harlem. They overpaid--a lot. It could be a drug lord."

"Uh, my car's broke."

"Take the subway like everybody else."

So here I am on the subway to Harlem in a banana suit. I got my boombox and I got a baloney sandwich 'cause I don't know where to eat up there. I left my wallet at home--just in case. Not that I think that many black guys are waiting for a white dude in a banana suit to come along so they can say, "Yo, Banana Boy! Got any money?"

At least I don't think so. But ya' never know.

This bag lady sits down next to me. "You a banana?" she asks.

"Well, yes. Don't I look like a banana?"

She's got her finger up her nose. She laughs when I say that. I really wish she hadn't.

There's a Spanish-looking kid across from me grinning like an idiot. "I think you Chakeeta Banana," he says. "Maybe you gay, eh puta?"

"No, but I can sing the Chiquita Banana song if you want--for a dollar."

"A dollar! Me give you a dollar? What you talking about, man?"

"GIMME A DOLLAR!" I scream.

He stands up.

I stand up.

He takes a swing and all he gets is styrofoam. His fist sinks into my banana suit about six inches and just stops. I bend over and the pointy end of my banana suit, which is hard brown plastic, whomps him on the head.

"Ouch! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say..." I start singing.

He runs off to the next car.

I sit back down and the bag lady hands me a dollar.

"I don't want no trouble," she says.

####

Gary Cadwallader has a perfect life. He made so much money last year, he traded in the Jag for a Buick, so no one would know.

Jennifer Lopez calls him for advice.

He got married just after he won the Medal of Honor at the age of twenty-one and has never had an insecure day. His wife and thirty-seven children adore him. How she's managed to stay at 100 lbs. all these years is a miracle... and she has no stretch marks. He told Tom Hanks, "Sure you can play a retarded man."

He's part owner of the New England Patriots, but nobody knows... so don't tell, okay?

He wrote one song, called Ruby Tuesday, but gave it up because it was all too easy.

You can reach him at Rmcheal2@aol.com.

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